body & soul

It's been a year of being a grief doula to all too many friends and strangers who have lost a beloved. Young and old. Sudden or long suffering. The men die and the women have to somehow forge on. 

What do I know about loss and grief? I knock on wood like some triggered spastic that I have yet to lose someone I cannot live without. I'm the one who's afraid of going to a wake. I find myself stuck in the threshold like some scarred quivering rabbit. 

In the Orient where I originated we have the age old practice of professional mourners who diligently wail the spirit of a dearly departed off to the divine realms. Away from the living so we can grieve and live in peace. Never to be haunted by any lingering ghost of disappointment over some unfinished regret or sorrow. 

A practice of countless past dynasties now imbedded in our DNA and mutated by new technology. For folks who love to celebrate with, song, dance, staged performances, and karaoke it's not so strange then that we film our funerals as we do our birthdays, weddings, and just about any occasion. 

How ghoulish is that really? Is it truly morbid or warped? Who knows for sure, right? Different strokes for different folks. When in Rome and all that jazz. 

It's the quiet moments that can be so much more terrifying. I sit stiff and frozen amidst the sea of mourners. Bobbing and sinking in accumulated waves of loss and tears. I embrace myself, afraid to utter a sound, for fear of what could be released and unbottled. 

Feeling too much, empty and hallow nonetheless. No weapons in my vast arsenal to comfort and condole. Too open and surrendered to the raw and palpable pain thickened air we all breathe. 

All I wish is to break free, fling open the barn doors of my being, make as much space as I am humanly able. Expand the vessel of me to accommodate these ever growing feelings. To be the sturdy vehicle driven by everything bouncing all over the place. 

Letting it flow forth, in and out with each shared breath. If love is the door, then surely, compassion is the key. 

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